A Darkened Road

There are choices in life that change everything. They alter the course of the life you envisioned for yourself and take you down an entirely different path. One where the street isn’t well-lit, and you walk on the road because there isn’t a sidewalk, as cars come racing past honking and flashing their headlights at you to get out of the way- because you’re somewhere you’re not supposed to be. No phone, no map, no help. So, you keep walking until eventually, you start to make out where exactly you’re going all from where you’ve been.

Lungs burning, heart racing, eyes blurring, she ran down the alley making her way back to her aunt's house. Sonia would not give her father the pleasure of goodbyes, instead, she held onto her pride and ran from her father fully aware that this would be her last opportunity to make amends. She would leave that morning for the long road to America and leave behind the only place she’s ever known. Her home in la Colonia, her younger sister and two brothers, her friends, her education, her belongings- all of it. Her mother had made the trip to the states 2 years before her and had sent for her the minute she found out her daughter was couch-surfing with friends or sleeping on the street.

But Delia wouldn’t let her daughter face the same conditions she had upon her journey. She had sent enough money for Sonia to cross como una princessa. Away from the tragedies that came with a ‘cheaper trip’, or so she thought. Because what type of commodities can come with illegally crossing the border? Did it really make it any easier or less dangerous to pay more money? Sonia had no idea what to expect outside of the stories she had heard. People who went missing, others who died or drowned. Some who were left behind because they couldn’t keep up or run from la migra fast enough. Mothers, fathers, teenagers, and children as young as 6 traveling on their own led by a guide who demanded money first and asked questions never. Why bother when someone has a sob story worse than the last?

Sonia’s trip wouldn’t be one without tragedy or desertion, not the way her mother had tried to ensure. On the first night, the bus driver transporting her to Mexico would refuse to let her off the bus unless she took her clothes off and “relaxed”. She would have to take the extended door- lever and smack him with it to make a run for it. Hide in the tall grass clutching onto the old woman she had begged to help hide her, and the small duffle bag with clothes she’d brought. On Day 3, La Coyote would take her money and begin the journey; guiding 7 others only to be chased by border patrol and lose half the group. Thankfully Sonia had been able to keep up, although her small victory would dissipate as a small tag of men held a gun to her head in search of the money La Coyote had acquired. They would tie her up and put a bandage over her eyes, throwing her on the ground as they robbed them of what little they had left. And although they would remain generally unscathed, those men wouldn’t leave before slipping a hand up her leg palming her, and stealing a kiss. She would thrash and kick, and though the assault wouldn’t go any further than that, they would add insult to injury as they laughed and said, “y Salvadorena es la puta.”.

Hours later they would find their way into a village where La Coyote would call to her associates for money to finish the journey. They would spend a week in a house where they were most definitely not wanted or welcomed; one where they refused to spare any food or share a bathroom. At least she had a floor and a roof to sleep in for a few nights, even if she lay awake, tossing and turning as she tried to piece together the exact moments her life had turned on its axis. She would think of the choices she had made and the consequences she would face, alone, in the dark, in the middle of a trip she wasn’t sure she would make, and with no way of turning back. Thinking back to days prior, when they had been chased by border patrol, she remembered the two sixteen-year-old best friends who had started the journey together. One had tripped and sprained his ankle badly, swelling immediately and throbbing in agony. There was no way he would outrun la migra, and though his best friend could, he would turn back and sit next to him refusing to leave him behind.

What reason could those boys have for leaving everything behind; what choices had they made to get them to that moment? Instead of walking down the dark road, they had lain in the middle of the lanes together. Drowning out the sounds of the horns and turning away from the flashing headlights, welcoming the fate they had decided to accept. And Sonia, what prejudice had she been trying to escape? What freedom was she perusing that she felt the need to put her life at risk and cross the border illegally? Most importantly, why does any of that matter?

After seven sleepless nights, she would resume her journey; regrouping with another Coyote to finish their trip. Although there would be other minor setbacks, she would finally make it the rest of the way. Sonia reunited with her mother after two years apart, and she would let her family back in El Salvador know she had made it to the states ‘safely’- even if her struggle wouldn’t end there. But after everything she would go through, all she would live through and see, she’d walk down the same dark road with the cars and the headlights. All for the opportunity to put her siblings back in their country through university; help them have the career she wouldn’t. Build a company from nothing and teach her kids that through the darkest part of life there’s always another way. See her eldest daughter graduate and make something of herself. Reach beyond the stars and more because for her there would never be a limit. Sonia would also take the necessary measures to make sure her daughter would have the opportunities she hadn’t. Nothing came easy, on the contrary, it all came with its grief and sacrifices. But through it all, she would walk down the empty lonely road all over again. She would learn to embrace the horns and the headlights and teach her daughter, Alicia, to do the same- except the road wouldn’t be dark anymore, because, for her, she had become her own light.