the echo

i’m happy that you find comfort in this. that you get peace from believing in what you can’t hear or see or touch. 

that this community you’ve become a part of has accepted you for everything you are and who you continue to try to be for Him. 

but i don’t have that same comfort. i don’t find peace in belief. 

when i pray i hear an echo. 

i ask for help into a void that never seems to reach His ear. 

i don’t feel He is with me the way you feel He is with you. 

so when you tell me He misses me, i wonder who you mean. 

when you tell me to seek for Him, i’ve been seeking him my entire life 

you tell me that there’s a line, a line of faith and i stand on the edge 

which direction do i head so i may cross it and join you? left, right, up, down? 

you say there’s survival in submission, you ask me to acknowledge

Him and give my life to Him

but i won’t lay on my knees for a man who who looks down on me because when dirt and divinity collide there is dust

dust that clouds sight. and clouded sight results in clouded judgement.

 i am what you would describe as spiritually indifferent.  

i am what you would see as a good person with no passion; because i am kind, and i am benevolent. i love fondly and forgive graciously. i don’t steal, i don’t harm intentionally and i repent when repentance is due. 

and though i may use His name in vain, from time to time i am as close to a good christian as i can get when you don’t feel the lord in the same way that other christians do. 

even so, i smell rain. 

i smell the abundance of rain. 

it’s in the air all around me, engulfing my lungs as i breath deep and hold….

is that Him? is He what i smell? is He in the rain? 

you tell me that there’s renewal in repentance. that there’s intimacy in His conviction and if human nature carries glory in mission and purpose then here i am asking for mine. 

i won’t get on my knees and i won’t beg. because submission shouldn’t be about authority but about succumbing to His grace, His kindness, His plan. 

so, like a good christian, i’ll ask for repentance

if i have wronged you, i am sorry

if i have caused you to turn your back on tell me what i have done

hear me 

talk with me

do not abandon me the way i have felt abandoned by you before 

teach me … to live, to love, to believe in you, in me, in humanity 

arrest my heart 

i want to listen 

transform me 

feel my soul

i have devotion to give if you accept it 

make me more like you 

hear my prayer; don’t let this be another echo

please… lord, i'm on my knees. i'm kneeling on the line…. 

i want to have faith.

i want to begin again

Lord i am praying. 

can you hear me,

        can you hear me,

                can you hear me.

i looked up at the sky, begging for an answer. nothing came. 

but then, 

it started to rain.