On The Eve,

On the eve of my 21st birthday, I'm reminded of all the first I've experienced thus far and all the ones I have yet to encounter. I think about how the more I grow up the faster time seems to get away from me. I used to count down the days until my birthday, eagerly wanting to grow up, just another year until the next. Now he doesn't even feel like I have to. They sneak up on me before I can even think of a wish for the candles on the cake. In all these years and blown out candles, wishes long forgotten since then, I've collected what I like to call my core moments. the ones that feel important. little pieces of a bigger puzzle that create the image of who I find myself to be. the more time that passes the more pieces that I seem to lose and collect along the way. Some get chipped, others disappear entirely, and some just simply stop fitting all together. but the pieces that build the center are still intact, I just haven't gotten to all of them exactly…  or at least that's what I hope anyway.

I used to hate the uncertainty and the unclarity of the picture. there was never any guarantee or a clear path showing me where I'd end up. and that was once the scariest thing I could imagine. and though that may remain true, I've learned to appreciate that which I still do not know. The scariness of it became a reminder of the things I still wanted to accomplish and pursue. But really, a person I admire very much reminded me this Summer that I don't know everything;  and though  I knew that to be true, I realized how hard I've been trying to know as much as I could. Now I hope I never do. not because ignorance is bliss or whatever the hell people call it, but because the exciting part has become finding out along the way.

 You know, I haven't picked up a pen like this since shortly after coming back from there. that place, with those people. the ones who will understand what I mean as I write this, and maybe even why. I spent a long time in the woods with those friends. They, I feel will read this in its entirety; maybe even excuse whatever I've misspelled. Outside of maybe a few others, I don't know who else will actually read this. and though I may be curious, that's not really important. this was for me, more than anything else… to follow through on the momentum that seems to inspire me to write like this again. deliberately. but anyway, for those of you who do come this far, I have a favor to ask. text me and let me know a core moment we shared. good or bad. help me Place another piece of the puzzle. and for those of you who don't get this far or simply decide not to share that's okay too. Maybe our peace has chipped or been lost through time. That's a part of life; just know that I will always hope you finish your puzzle too. 

That's a core piece of me– one I hope I will never lose. 

Happy twenty-first birthday to me, here's to many more.

Always, 

Ali